red: rage and embarassment
my tape worm of jealousy is eating me alive. it is, by far, my most unappealing and freakishly fervent trait. in my jealousy, i am irrational, inconsolable, and both crippled and violent. it is a festering petri dish of imagination and nightmare. and it only proliferates into "i am weak. i am jaded." bah.
posessive? yeah. so what? these hormonal fuckwads that feel the need to seduce and conquer aren't doing this blindly. hi, i'm standing right here. you know who i am. stop pissing me off. stop rubbing on him and rubbing it in my face. i see red. i see blood in the streets. everything on fire. yes. everything on fire. i'm not an angry person, not by trade. but, shit, dry hump some other pantleg, for christ's sake. for my sake. and don't talk to me like it's cool.
untrusting? yes, unfortunately. unfoundedly! perhaps the worst side effect of it all. it's because i recognize human fault. mistakes that happen. things i cannot control. but, if things go about happening - as so many things find themselves doing - i cannot turn a blind eye nor accept it as the simple course of life. fuck no. fuck that. fuck you.
afraid? absolutely. fear is numero uno. we all know that. quite a driving force. fear. yeah. of it all. of success, of failure. of living too short or too long. what is a good remedy? living in the moment. which i always thought was a load of horseshit. maybe 'cause it's such a catch phrase. it makes me think of waiting rooms with posters of baby kittens. perhaps i can call it "not worrying". that's pretty much the same thing. sounds better. stop worrying about it all. god. you run yourself ragged carrying on like this. make yourself sick. and i do. ill, in fact. and tired. sick and tired. and bored.
bored. it's such a tiresome endevour. jealousy is only anything to the jealous one. poking myself in the eye. and, honestly, talking about it doesn't really seem to help at all.
how do i stop? i can't rationalize. and i figure i'll continue this course of action until i'm just proved right. or i'm alone. that's what works best. by having nothing to be jealous about. alone. how passive is that? that's why i'm excellent at the art of sabotage. kill it before it kills you. it's weak. it's cowardly. it's a matter of control. this is why i don't believe in marriage. trying to control the whims of humans. thirty years down the road, how could you have known you'd feel do different? how could you not? how could i hold someone to that? hold myself to it? so, i'll just hold myself, i guess.
no no! wait, but this was supposed to end differently! it's different this time, right? believe him. make him make you believe. remember what george michael said to you at the miniture horsie game? "have faith". ah, yes. but i don't have faith of any kind. any kind. how do i invent faith? i don't even have faith in gravity. in death. anything. faith. just believe. but why? why should i do that? i'm so goddamn cynical. believe? alone alone alone. one less thing to worry about. one step closer to living a life where i just breathe and count down to something inevitable.
posessive? yeah. so what? these hormonal fuckwads that feel the need to seduce and conquer aren't doing this blindly. hi, i'm standing right here. you know who i am. stop pissing me off. stop rubbing on him and rubbing it in my face. i see red. i see blood in the streets. everything on fire. yes. everything on fire. i'm not an angry person, not by trade. but, shit, dry hump some other pantleg, for christ's sake. for my sake. and don't talk to me like it's cool.
untrusting? yes, unfortunately. unfoundedly! perhaps the worst side effect of it all. it's because i recognize human fault. mistakes that happen. things i cannot control. but, if things go about happening - as so many things find themselves doing - i cannot turn a blind eye nor accept it as the simple course of life. fuck no. fuck that. fuck you.
afraid? absolutely. fear is numero uno. we all know that. quite a driving force. fear. yeah. of it all. of success, of failure. of living too short or too long. what is a good remedy? living in the moment. which i always thought was a load of horseshit. maybe 'cause it's such a catch phrase. it makes me think of waiting rooms with posters of baby kittens. perhaps i can call it "not worrying". that's pretty much the same thing. sounds better. stop worrying about it all. god. you run yourself ragged carrying on like this. make yourself sick. and i do. ill, in fact. and tired. sick and tired. and bored.
bored. it's such a tiresome endevour. jealousy is only anything to the jealous one. poking myself in the eye. and, honestly, talking about it doesn't really seem to help at all.
how do i stop? i can't rationalize. and i figure i'll continue this course of action until i'm just proved right. or i'm alone. that's what works best. by having nothing to be jealous about. alone. how passive is that? that's why i'm excellent at the art of sabotage. kill it before it kills you. it's weak. it's cowardly. it's a matter of control. this is why i don't believe in marriage. trying to control the whims of humans. thirty years down the road, how could you have known you'd feel do different? how could you not? how could i hold someone to that? hold myself to it? so, i'll just hold myself, i guess.
no no! wait, but this was supposed to end differently! it's different this time, right? believe him. make him make you believe. remember what george michael said to you at the miniture horsie game? "have faith". ah, yes. but i don't have faith of any kind. any kind. how do i invent faith? i don't even have faith in gravity. in death. anything. faith. just believe. but why? why should i do that? i'm so goddamn cynical. believe? alone alone alone. one less thing to worry about. one step closer to living a life where i just breathe and count down to something inevitable.
posted by evil at 9:44 AM
3 Comments:
it's fear, all right, but it doesn't come from nowhere, yah? if it exists, there must be something to lose. ergo, an interest, enjoyment, appreciation, desire. don't give up cause being alone.. yah, oh super. I love being alone. It keeps me warm at night.
by the by, who?
perhaps if your kc had a computer, i could have better stated my case yesterday.
some shit went about hitting that old fan.
i'm usually good at keeping my problems to myself; they're not anyone else's. but here i was, taking out my fear on an innocent and, in so, going down that classic path of sabotage.
and there's only so long even a patient person can endure useless insecurities. and, admittedly, false accusations.
but all is not lost, because, of course, the kid is unreal. we're talking understanding. we're talking realistic. hell, i'll go ahead and say it: we're talking love.
i'm stopping. the tape worm's gone. if he comes back, i'll set him on fire. i am not going to fuck this up. i am not going to fuck this up.
Post a Comment
<< Home