faxsmash

so, it's in the works. my job won't be. for me. what?

it's the six-month check-up for my position. i had a chat with one of my bosses. he was concerned. about the work. i tried to ease his concern by explaining that he should not worry, i'm not worried. i just don't want to do it anymore. just find someone else.

it's true. i've been slipping. i find it easiest to let the ball drop when playing the simplest of games. i have to keep myself entertained somehow. why not give myself a challenge...like, a late payment? or a lost invoice? it's not good, though, i know. i'm messing with other people's money. but, in the anti-visceral world this cubicle is, it's really hard for me to give a care. push a paper here, throw a folder there, reply and forward with my clickyclick fingers. such crazy motions for a person to make over an eight hour period. lots of swiveling. scrolling. the buddhist meditation for slowing down one's pulse is in full effect. vital signs are there, but lackadaisically slow. submerged in the lake of middle management and white white noise. and this lake is full of leeches!

the papers around me now...i could set them on fire and then they'd be ash in the filtered air. should i be bold and set the cube ablaze, i should save my vitamins and cereal. my nalgene bottle (though, maybe that would survive), cell phone, and the very nice pens i ordered from the catalog. six months and i'm still pressed to give a good answer to what it is they do around here. non-profit. child welfare. training assistance. curriculum. policy. but they don't really DO any of those things. they organize other people to tell them how to organize, i think. and they discuss the issues of how other organizations should discuss issues. i think. nothing is concrete. and nothing is interesting.

i can hear a video teleconference happening in the conference room. i can hear the vents above the tiled ceiling. this place is like a snow storm, though; it muffles out everything around. the airplanes out circling the harbor to land are nothing more than a pressure you recognize only if you're looking out the window at them. windows i can't see unless you end up feeling sounds more the actually hearing them. those funny frequencies of appliances - you can tell the tv's on even if it's muted. thick with 'em here.

but now there is a horizon! hoorah! my horse and i finally know where to head towards as the sun sets. and to where, brave nomad, will you find yourself next? i just can't say, darling, but it won't be like this.